When I first learned I was pregnant with Coco, I couldn’t contain my excitement and happiness. The feeling is overwhelming. But at the same time, I am also scared of the different possibilities that could happen.
During my first check up upon learning I was pregnant, the OB who checked on me used a hand held ultrasound to check on my little jell-o bean. We didn’t see anything. I fear that this pregnancy was not real even if I was already 2 weeks delayed. Three weeks after, I had my TVS and finally saw my little jell-o bean.
On the duration of my pregnancy with Coco, I was scared as hell that I’d have miscarriage, or his heart beat would suddenly stop. I am already worried that when I was supposed to start feeling his movements and he doesn’t even make even an itsy bitsy move. Or when he started moving, I fear that he would suddenly stop moving. Or him having a cord coil. When we had our Congenital Anomaly Scan, I fear that the sono would detect any defect/abnormality/deformity, that his fingers/toes aren’t complete. I fear that anything I eat or do might affect Coco that’s why I really take extra precautions in everything. I fear that I would give birth early, that he would be a premmie and I wouldn’t be able to hold him in my arms right then.
As my due date is nearing, I fear that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate labor pains or me having a long/hard labor. I fear that I wouldn’t be able to push him out of me. Still birth. I fear that something would happen to me while on delivery and that I wouldn’t be able to hold/care for my son. I’m scared of delivering my baby via NSD, that’s why when my tita told me that I’ll be delivering Coco via CS, it was quite a relief.
Now that Coco’s here with me, alive and kicking, I fear of him having those defects after birth that weren’t detected earlier. SIDS. New Born Screening Results. That he wouldn’t be able to see. I fear that he would fall while we are carrying him. He’d bump his head or he slip while taking a bath when he is having his baby tantrums. I’m worried when he have his intense hiccups. Suffocation. Getting his tiny fingers crushed. Mabalian, especially when he is crying and keeps on raising his neck up. He gets sick. I don’t produce enough milk for him. I wouldn’t be able to care for him the right way.
I thought once Coco is out, I’d worry less and be less paranoid. But no! I’m even more of a worrier now that he is in my arms. I’d stay awake just to check if he’s still breathing. I check on his every move. I couldn’t sleep when he didn’t burp coz I know that he’ll again have urges of throwing up that looks like he choked on his own milk. I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless he does that, lucky if in 15 minutes he doesn’t do that, I could finally sleep. I was worried during our first day at home when he didn’t poop and peed, despite that I know for a fact that he was able to drink milk from me. I even cried on our first night here at home when he kept on crying the whole night. He was so restless that day because he had his BCG vaccine before we left the hospital. I couldn’t stop him from crying.
As he grows from a baby to a kid, I believe I will worry even more when he’s out of my sight. What if he has developmental delay or he hurt himself while doing something or he gets into a fight. It will move on until he become a teen — What if he won’t be accepted by his peers or he gets rejected by a girl. What if he gets injured playing his favorite sport or he doesn’t excel in school.
My biggest fear ever is not just that I won’t be able to care for him but also being able to raise Coco well. I don’t want him grow up to be a sick child nor to grow into a person hurting other people. What I learned from the time I learned I was pregnant until now that I’ve already given birth to Coco that these fears are all normal. What’s important is that we always do whatever it is best for our health (during the pregnancy) and for our kids. Do everything that is right and everything will turn out well. We shouldn’t abuse ourselves and we should always help ourselves especially during the time that we are pregnant. We should always pray and stay away from negative vibes.
As a mom of my 20 day old Coco, all my worries and fears won’t end and it will continue until Coco will have his own family (and of course, it will also go with the other children I’ll have in the future). Let’s just be prepared with whatever that could happen along the way since we couldn’t control everything. But see to it not to be over paranoid and OA to a point that we over protect them and that they couldn’t breathe, to a point that we forget to enjoy our baby and the time we spend with them and our family. Remember since we are busy worrying, we lessen the chance to be genuinely happy. Don’t forget that our babies grow up fast. I myself couldn’t believe that my Coco doesn’t look like a new born anymore despite that he isn’t even a month old. We should always cherish every single moment with them.