Last night, i was in deep thinking of everything in my life–My friends, my family, my heart. After that, i prayed to God. Honestly, sa mga nakalipas na buwan, i haven’t attended mass na buong month nagsimba ako. Once lang ako nakakasimba every month, minsan wala pa. Have i lose my faith? hindi naman siguro. i still believe in God. i still believe in my religion. it’s just that i just don’t feel like attending mass. kasi bakit pa ako aattend ng mass if hindi naman bukal sa loob ko diba? but then again, i know i am wrong.

I don’t know what came to me last night. Maybe i just can’t take it anymore. Habang i was praying, iniisip ko rin yung mga nangyari sa akin life kung bakit ko pinagdadasal yung mga bagay na ito ngayon. i asked help and guidance from God to help me get through everything i am experiencing right now. And i hope even though ngayon ko lang naisipan ito, tulungan niya pa rin ako. i know God is good. he’ll understand where i am coming from. he’ll forgive me. he’ll help me through it. GOD HELP ME NOT TO GIVE UP!

Before all this thinkathon happened, i was reading Mates, Dates & Cosmic Kisses. Enjoying it. hehe. I can actually relate to Izzie. i don’t know why, but that’s what i felt. She was almost giving up but then she didn’t. But wrong move din pala yun. pero okay lang, dumating si Mr. Right. hehehe. “When you give up, things do start happening” — said in the book. is it true? ayan tuloy ngayon, it makes me have second thoughts. Will i fight or give up? Will i be brave and let things happen the way it would even though it would get me hurt or do i give up and regret all my life? Eh sabi diba, pag nag give up, chaka nagsisimula mangyari yung mga gusto natin mangyari, panghahawakan ko na ba yan and give up??? Hindi ko alam. naguguluhan pa ako. i’ll just wait for wednesday – maybe, i can decide na sa araw na yan.

I was up very early today despite of the lack of sleep because my family, including 2 of my aunts, uncle and 2 cousins went to the 8 am mass at megamall. it is because the healing priest, Fr. Fernando Suarez, a batangueño in Canada will preside the mass. I don’t know, but i really felt good today, na hindi nahirapan ako gisingin ni mommy. Maybe, dala na rin ng prayers ko nun gabi. I went to mass. Listened to his homily. Nagda-doubt pa ako. Ano ba yun, healing priest? is there such thing? Eh si Jesus lang nakakapag heal kaya. But NO! upon listening to him, suddenly, my heart opened. i believe. even though hindi ko nakita yung mga miracles niya in my own eyes. i believe it all happened. Nakalakad daw yung crippled, nakakita yung bulag, naka salita yung pipi. nakakarinig yung bingi. Gumaling yung may sakit. Hindi ko man ito nakita lahat. i believe him. After his homily, he prayed for the whole congregation that was celebrating with him that morning. and me? i was praying with him. Maybe – he would be able to heal my heart. mababaw man. pero yun lang ang nararamdaman ko ngayon eh. But of course, nung Consecration, hindi naman ako naging selfish to pray for myself. I prayed for a lot of people- My family, grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my beautiful nieces, my friends, my mentors, those who are weak, mga kaaway, my friends who are sick, my friends who are in a relationship, the unborn, the old – everyone and of course myself. I actually followed The Praying Tip i learned from Kris Aquino in her K Magazine, which i will actually share it here: Praying using our fingers as our guide. The thumb represents the people we love, the people closest to our hearts – family, friends. The index finger represents the people who work for us. The tall finger represents our mentors, bosses, government officials, the Church. The ring finger, the weakest finger is for the sick people, those who has financial or heartbroken and lastly, the pinky finger is for myself. And then again, i was really praying hard, very sincere and kind of tears in my eyes. And i am happy with it.

I actually felt fulfilled after the mass. It is like the first mass i attended that i felt this way. Maybe because, I was also fulfilled that my favorite motto this days, “Miracles Happen When You Believe” is carrying on in this mass. Not just in believing in what miracle i wanted to happen, but also believing in God that let the miracles happen itself. Yun ang hindi ko dapat makalimutan. As i walk pass, St. Paul’s, i entered the store looking for something to wear in me, i was hoping to get a necklace but i couldn’t find a good one so i bought a blue rosary bracelet.

But did my heart heal today? Maybe not. Maybe not today. Maybe anytime soon.

It was just the start of my day and i was totally good about it, i was happy and all. Isipin niyo kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, literal, hindi pa nangangalahati, nawasak na agad. Not totally nawasak. But i felt really really bad. To think that i just prayed for them 15 minutes before i learned about that and right now, nadagdag pa ang isa pang sadness.

I prayed for Him and my friend – i prayed for their relationship to be stronger because of all the trials they’ve been through, may sakit pa si Him. He’s actually in the hospital since his birthday at walang malay, at hindi biro na ito, nakakatakot siya to the point na nagkapaalaman na kami the last time we texted, but this time hindi siya nag bilin sakin about my friend, kind of lang. Then, malalaman ko na he is gone na. SAKIT. i felt really really bad about it. I felt really really bad for my friend. I wanna cry but hindi ako makaiyak. wala na ata ako mapiga sa iniyak ko kagabi. i wanted to comfort my friend who’s so far away from here. kaya hindi ko magawa. she wont even talk to me, kasi hindi pa niya kaya. i understand naman. i know, siya mismo lalapit sa akin pag ready na siya to talk, i know right now indenial pa siya. nasasaktan at nalulungkot din ako para sa iyo, wag mong isiping nag iisa ka, nandito ako para sa yo, kahit magkalayo pa tayo. I was almost with you sa buong relationship niyo, i witnessed all the love, that’s why sobrang hurt din ako ngayon. Huwag ka mag alala, your angel will always be there beside you, hindi ka niya pababayaan, i know it’s hard, but that’s life. God’s will na rin siguro, kasi ayaw na niya na siguro pa mahirapan siya diba? alam mo naman. basta just give me a BUZZ or a text, i’ll be here.

After that heartbreaking moment, learning two of my couple friends broke up. I feel sad. But it’s good that the other pair’s still trying to work things out. but i guess the other pair, wala na talaga, tulad ng sabi niya, pagod na nga daw siya, ayaw na niya na hindi siya ang priority. oh well. life goes on. tuloy pa rin ang awit ng buhay mo 🙂

Too much really happened to me today, sobrang i can say “WhattaDay!!!” too much sadness. too much drama. too much nursing my broken heart – if it’s already broken. hehe.